Transfixed in your gaze,
The soul ignites to a transferring blaze…
Pouty lips proclivity,
The drumming heart sighs with beautific voracity…
What if I was to run down towards the sunset…
Where would I be?
Maybe the sunny sands of a hidden beach,
Soaking in the blues and pinks, crinkling my toes,
watching the waves, feeling the urge just to go go go …
What if I was to run down towards the sunrise…
Where would I be?
Maybe the jagged edges of the highest peaks,
Climbing each rock, digging in my feet,
Pulling each grasp, rising above exhaustion’s defeat…
What if I was to walk away from the sunrise…
Where would I be?
Maybe the icy slates of snow,
With bitter chills caressing each cheek,
Trudging each step, cracking each snap,
Lost in translation of melancholy’s past…
What if I was to walk away from the sunset…
Where would I be?
Maybe the smooth mounds of sandy dunes,
Marking my steps, erased with each breeze,
Continuously chasing the sun’s promise of that perfect dream…
In the past, I have touched base on various moments of residual hurts I’ve experienced over the years. Though they’ve impacted me in different ways, I’ve grown to appreciate them as they’ve shaped my perspectives as the adult I am today.
As I sit here and reflect, I cannot help but smile. The journey to my smile has been a jagged one with so many twist and turns. With moments of what I like to call, “starburst” with the euphoric power to lift the spirit to new heights as it leaves a lasting mark. These burst of lights come in many shapes, phrases, and tones. Whether it be from the connection of being in the right place at the right time or randomly “bumping” into opportunities; each has the momentum to bring lasting smiles.
I have had the privilege to embrace these moments. Some are more noticeable than others but they all have given me the strength to push through some of the darkest of times. Which brings me to the title…Learning To Smile. Smiles are not really mastered until they have reached a level of genuine bliss. We are raised in a world where standards must be met.
Proper interaction of hellos and goodbyes with a standard etiquette come with the expectation of knowing when or how to approach life’s routine. Dealing with depression makes this very difficult at times. I can say from experience; smiles have the power to elude many from noticing the shivering chaos which resides behind it. Over the years I have buried myself in work to avoid confronting issues; however, time has a way to catch up with us when we least expect it. At this particular moment, I’m proud to say that I have developed a love for Jesus that I didn’t know before.
I have always believed in a higher divinity. I just often struggled with man’s perspective on how I should approach religion. Always being told the struggle in my life was from sin I still had in my life; really scared me in ways that I didn’t notice. It created a mindset that I needed to do more to have some type of normalcy in my life. When life would throw a curve ball; I was quick to blame myself. This constant condemnation of myself created the monster of insecurity leading to morphed acceptance of toxic verbal and at times, mental abuse. Staying sin conscience pulled me further from the lord as it made me feel unworthy.
I used to think I was the one mistake the Lord made. The anomaly not meant to prosper. Visiting different churches over the years fueled this fire deep within of wanting to seek the truth. Some things made no sense to me. Seeing pillars of the church partake in negative behaviors such as gossip, profanity and malicious intent proved to be disappointing. So, much so that I actually took a step away from the Lord all together.
When I say, “took a step away”; I say it loosely. I always had this undying respect for my Lord Jesus but was ashamed that I could never live up to the ideology of Christianity. I can’t tell you how many times I have felt the lords presence as he brings me peace when the past rips my heart open and insomnia grasp every breath I chokingly try to take. Jesus would whisper in my ear how special I am and provide me memories of those closest to me. This brought me comfort as I realized I have been blessed with the most precious gifts…my family.
The past few months my husband has devoted his time to the Lord. Studying and reading daily… drawing closer with the Lord. Feeling his peaceful energy has softened my heart on so many levels. Without intent; he has encouraged me to seek the Lord. I have found a great appreciation for the message of Grace from Joseph Prince. Understanding the true meaning of grace has brought the warmest of smiles. I have the strength to take on the day knowing my heart rest in Jesus. My character is changing due to my love of Jesus; not because of rules or expected duties. I strive to be the best me because I want to show my love for Jesus and plant those seeds of grace.
In closing, I want to take a moment to encourage you to find your genuine smile. Make an effort to reach out to those you haven’t spoken to in a while and remind them that you care. Be slow to anger and quick to listen to those closest to you as you show them how much you love them. This life becomes beautifully blissful with love, so lets spread it with every aspect of our lives!
Today I wanted to discuss the importance to stepping out of your comfort zone. The grumbles of life can weigh a ton at times; leaving our shoulders tired and weary. Leaving the mind to fend for its self as it tries to connect the dots to a puzzle that plays in a residual loop.
How do we evolve? How do we change the mundane cycle we all have come accustomed to? It took me some time to reflect and realize; with every new experience; with every new perspective; with every new spark of interest …we are evolving to be better than we were yesterday. So, how do we harness this exactly?Well, to be perfectly honest with you; it is rather easy. It’s human nature to remove or back away from something that is deemed a threat or toxin. It’s our warped perception of what is normal or rational that keeps us grounded to the same spot in life. Time does not seize to continue; however, you can seize to move. Some have mastered the art of having the illusion that they are moving forward. Bouncing around like a ping ball game scoring moments of bliss all to be shattered in a moment. Superficial growth is the worst. when the dust settles and the lights dim… the reality of being stuck in that time capsule from those stark memoirs of the past plagues the reflection in the mirror. I know because I have been guilty of this too.
Grasping every motivational slogan I can to push me through the day. Picking up every self-help book I can put my gritty little fingers on. Taking those steps to what I thought was helping me get closer to a better me. Well, that all went up in smoke. Sure we gain valuable insights about ourselves, so I can’t say it was a complete waste. But, what I can say is; there weren’t any substances to give those new changes life.
Now, I have found the missing link. I needed to change my daily routine. Purge all that brought me sorrow and pain. Letting go of the things that made it difficult to get out of bed every morning. I no longer work a typical 9-5 job. Staring at spreadsheets for about 80% of my day was slowing leading me down a dark hole of suffocation. The struggle was real…taking that first step to say; I quit. Those were the hardest words to say as they carried the weight of so much responsibility. Picturing my kids, my husband, and even my pets. Having glimpses of living on the streets with nowhere to go almost kept those words locked away. But the pain in my chest reminded me of the late nights with little to no interaction with my kids. Reminded me of the hard work I put in day after day for someone else to reap the benefit. To see bonuses that should have been mine given to a manager that never lifted a finger to assist on those complicated projects.
I had to make a change and it has been the best choice I have ever made! Time is now on my watch versus the clock controlling me. Who knew all I needed was to have the belief in myself. To trust my own instincts that I knew and was very capable of making it in anything I ever chose to pursue. So, the best lesson I have learned the last few weeks has been, New prospects lead the some of the best opportunities. So, I want to challenge you to try something new. Step out of your comfort zone. Soon you will not only surprise yourself but those around you will enjoy your smile as they see you evolve to who you always wanted to be!
Chirping birds among the trees
The song of life means the world to me…
After a long night of restless sleep; I was pleasantly surprised to wake with smile. Has that ever happened to you? When you fall asleep with a scornful frown from the headache of that day but wake with a smile for no apparent reason. That was me today. Maybe it was from the fun weekend I had catching up with a special someone that I havent seen in 3 years or visiting with family from out of town. Maybe it was from the fun evening I had with family that I haven’t seen in ages and the way they welcomed me with open arms…
Whatever the case may be…the feeling of renewing optimism seems to be taking hold. The past is not of importance today, the future will just have to wait…something tells me to enjoy this moment. Be attentive to those I surround myself with and embrace the smiles shared.
Smiles…they are wonderfully given. Some of the best smiles I have received have been from total strangers. A while back, I was shopping at the outlets with my family. I noticed my knee was bothering me again, so I chose to sit on the bench outside the store to rest. Soon after, a woman, well over my senior, came to sit next to me.
She chuckled and said…”your knee got the best of you too?” I smiled and said, “yes,ma’am”. She further explains that she had seen me in a few stores back and noticed I was limping a bit. She also said, she could tell I was wincing but smiled assuring the kids that I was good. Allowing them to shop freely.
Her observation surprised me. I explained how it has been a while since I was able to take them shopping with the stack of medical bills that never seizes to stop piling up. I remember it feeling so easy to talk with her. We ultimately chatted for about 15 minutes but it felt like hours. She expressed her need to keep spending time with her grandbabies and how everyday was a new opportunity to say “I love you” to the ones we love.
I talk to many people but seldom do I meet a stranger that speaks with such genuine sincerity. To meet someone to be openly honest and content with life is very inspiring. Surprisingly enough, we chatted about everything from family moments, gardening to our favorite books but we never exchanged names. Yet, it seems like every so often, on days like today, her shimmering blue eyes and her sweet smile seems to remind me …. Today, is a new opportunity to say, “I love you” to my loved ones. Smile and laugh with those around me and above all, embrace each moment. Be present versus being distracted with social media or the constant search for greener pastures. Take a moment to water my own grass and one day it will be the best shade of green….
Today, I woke with the intense feeling of needing to touch base on a subject many try to avoid. The subject of choice, depression. In this day in age; where there is an abundance of tools and resources available at the tip of our fingers; it is not likely that many would openly admit they have fallen into some sort of entanglement of depression.
We are a driven species constantly evolving with time and experience; yet, there are moments when doubt seems to creep it’s way in; leading us to second guess our decisions or in many severe cases; remain stagnant. Speaking from my own experience; depression has a way to impact not only our perspective towards life but also has the tendency to impact us on a more physical level.
Stress, in general, can cause headaches, night sweats, aches and pains throughout the body. This is due to our body stiffing up from tense situations. I have had moments when my stress levels would get so high to the point that I literally felt the burn deep within my chest. So, how do I deal with stress? Well, I wish I had a clear-cut answer for you, but to be honest; there are days when the many distractions prove to be just a distraction and the issue or problem grows in significance. Days of insomnia begin to trickle in and hours become minutes with time lost.
Since I was a child; I have dealt with several levels of depression. All of which never really had the guidance of a professional. I buried myself in books, admired art, explored the land through hikes. I never realized it until recently that I was escaping from the life around me. Becoming a true introvert. Learning new things purposely chosen to be completed alone. Is that always the smartest technique? Well, no and yes. Yes as these new projects or skills helped me trudge through some of the lowest parts of my life. To the world around me; I am strong, independent, intelligent, optimistic and in many cases, self-motivated. What many don’t see is the struggle it is to get out of bed. Or the days when I every second seems to sting liked burning needles are traveling through my body. When weepy tears seem to fall with even the slightest invitation of a moment of silence.
You see, no matter how many projects I start; there is always an end. When the dust settles; the conflict of my issues still remain. People say to forgive those that have inflicted pain or heartache but what they don’t tell you is that it is extremely harder to do than said. Sometimes, the level of forgiveness changes just to get through the day. I know I have days when It seems like I need to forgive every minute of the day. Brimming tears are always hidden behind a smile and laughter mask the bellows of anger… pain. I’ve reached a level of self-reflection to understand the importance of filling in the void with something meaningful. The importance of trust and honesty.
The older I get, the more I want to break out of my shell and allow others into my world but I am more worried about my world getting tainted. Does that make sense? I’ve gladly been alone for so long but now the superficial layers of smiles and giggles no longer warm the heart. I guess what I’m getting at is… I want … no, I need to have a genuine connection. But, I ask myself, “Is my joy of solitude and isolation worth the risk of opening the door for another just to feel connected? Is the image of that picture-perfect gathering real or just a facade of what society deems as a must have to be complete?”
Enticing words with mirrored lies…
Salacious sweets of devilish deceit…
Crossroads of burdens to either road…
Truths hold no bearing…
Logic has escaped the mind…
Choices may not be told but consequences will not be denied …
Imprinted to the heart,
Affixed to each word,
Conviction will scream & shout…
Integrity will demand to be heard…
Greener pastures dwindle brown,
Seasons renew to seize,
Death brings no mercy,
Tears of sorrow will forever sing,
As treacherous lies continues to ring,
The soulful bellows of saddness streams….
"He brought me to his banquet hall and raised the banner of love over me. Restore my strength with raisins and refresh me with apples! I am weak from passion... His left hand is under my head and his right hand caresses me" - Song of Solomon 2:4-6
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