Restless mind…

So, this past week has been busy. Not busy in the traditional sense ; more like busy of the mind. There were so many times I tried to sit down and post but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had so many random thoughts going through my head; moments of frustration; moments of sadness; and the disappointing realization that I should be extremely happy right now since it is the holidays. I realize that taking a moment to fully embrace change does take time. I had promised myself; my husband my kids; more importantly, Jesus that I would make a conscientious effort to be more positive and do my best to stay away from the distraction of negative behavior I’m often inflicted with. However, I realize that’s easier said than done. As old wounds get scraped; I realized; I’m not yet completely over some of the hurts I have endured over the years. Sure physical hurts are painful and some even leave lasting memories etched in skin but for me its more of the echoing words that wail through my head over and over well into the darkest hours. This week many of those moments flooded not just my memories but my dreams. The flooded my interactions with people to the point that they are not existent. I feel like I’m slipping back into my old ways and slowly crawling myself down into my cave of isolation and withdrawl. I don’t understand how people can say , “they love each other” and people can say, “we are family” or  say that “you’re my best friend”; yet with the same token allow the flick of the tongue and seemless gesture of a swipe of a hand; find the ease to throw someone off to the side like they’re not important. Over the years I’ve done my fair share to hurt others as well. Most can be justified by being a reaction to an action; however , at the end of the day; rationale tells me; I had a choice to choose how to react. Therefore I’m just as guilty as the person who chose to take the first blow. There really is no finishing either because  while they’re sitting at home in their bed relaxed and comfortable; I’m here frustrated. I’m here irritated with the slow boil of my rising blood pressure as I become infuriated with so much rage my chest begins to hurt. I tell myself, “this is it; stress did me in,”. I lay on my bed curled up with my knees to my chest and I contemplate…Why does her opinion matter so much? Why do I have days when I don’t give to cents and why after all these years do I expect anything different?…My mind wonders and I realize… I just want to protect what I have worked so hard to build. My loving marriage, my life inspiring children and my hilarious pets. This protection makes me react; taking my stance of defensiveness; with walls so high that I myself can’t control them. But the truth is, I’m not really mad at her. I’m mad at myself. After all these years; how can I expect anything different? Sure we hope but the truth is; a tiger does not change their  stripes. Don’t shake my hand when you do not mean to; don’t smile when all you want to do is scorn; don’t say hello when all you want is to say f*#% you. I’d rather they keep their distance and I keep mine. Help each other to stop bringing the ugly out of the both of us.I would actually respect them more for their honesty… We can both find peace in the blissful ignorance of each other.

This week has caused me to do a lot of self reflecting. I’m a Scorpio by nature so therefore I tend to constantly analyze every waking detail. I need to know what led up to the event; what occurred during the event and the aftermath. How can things have been different? What can I have done to be different? This is just my nature. One thing is for sure, when the grayish hue of dawn begins to peek through my curtain as I lay listening to the sound of the rattling thumps of icy rain as it hits my window unit; I find victory through the remnants of melancholy tears; I whisper ” I survived another night.” A night of restless torment doused in tears fueled by anger. I know I’ll be okay. I will use this negative energy and transform it into a catalyst to drive me forward. Some very real decisions need to be made and the truth is; I am tired of running around in this circle. A relationship should not require some many leaps and bounds; they should not require second guessing if you can trust them. I know I have the support from my husband; and through his strength; I will remember to rest in Jesus and finally break away from all the negative aspects. I have accepted the truth that just because your family, does not mean you’re obligated to each other. Just because your family, does not mean that your meant to continuously partake in this vicious cycle. It’ll be okay…I’ve been on my own for so many years… I’ll be okay.

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