Grave Reality

lady-death
Photo by Marcus Steinmeyer 

 

Life’s lessons change who you are. I know this and I know many of you, truly believe this. The issue I’ve come to realize these last couple of days; is that sometimes we are changed, to what some would deem, for the bad, despite our best efforts.

I sit perplexed this evening as I did last night…Could it be as simple of a truth, that  hurts can run so deep,  they tarnish the very human aspect within us; causing a person to feel no compassion for another? Years of self-preservation wiped away with a flick of a tongue. And, here I thought I did a good job, burying remnants of the anger, the dissolution of joy, locking the door to Mr. Time himself…

Little did I know, Death allowed himself in… reminding me of every waking detail I tried to forget… When does that line of obligation and self-preservation blur…When can that very same line be forged so deep to create a vast void allowing the heart to finally live…to breath?

I used to think as time goes on; we become stronger. In many areas we do but some…just evolve to the norm. Could it be that we get so used to carrying painful resentment that we become numb? Just as a child pricked from birth fears no needles… Oh… I know some of you will scorn at that remark… later emailing me why I used that analogy; So, I’ll answer… I was mom of a child pricked from birth; I’ve seen a smile form versus tears; because she never knew fear of the needle…So, yes, before you ask… I’ve the right to speak of such travesties… Life’s bitch sure can make things very difficult.

I’ve realized today; I have a cold side to me. I know I’ve mentioned it before but I don’t think I ever really went toe to toe with just how spiteful it can be. We like to tell ourselves; we’re not that bad; but in reality; we feel it in the pit of our belly. Within the methane fumes of our mouth; the darkest depths of our thoughts… Today, I chose to give it light. I uttered the words, “I just don’t care.” That simple phrase sent chills to my loving father but I couldn’t lie…. I respected him enough to tell the truth…more importantly, I respect myself enough to know my strengths and weaknesses. I knew if I lied; I’d obligate myself to months of agonizing torment. Going against the grain, conforming to what others expect versus standing up for what is right.

No more burying the truth… I mentioned… no, I promised myself this year,  I was going to more open, more honest despite the welfare of others because; I am done playing a role that is killing me slowly. There’s more to life than always playing chess. We are more than pawns to be used at another’s dispense… So, I choose honesty, loyalty, forgiveness for myself… Maybe as time goes on; God will help me learn to soften my heart; to lower the walls…to find the freedom of me…I’ve tasted death once before and I refuse to allow the same vicious cycle to take my adulthood as it took my youth… I will learn to adapt as I always do… figure out what or who I need to cut out … Maybe this go around, Mr.Time will be a gentleman and allow the past to remain in the past…

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18 thoughts on “Grave Reality”

  1. Hi Jenn! I have been reading your posts.And everytime I see myself smiling and connecting with it totally.
    After this I am sure of the fact that I am your fan. Phenomenal!
    Hope you visit your fans blog and find something worth reading. 🙂

  2. Jenn– there is stunning strength and resolve in this piece. I have found that accepting my darkness and speaking my truth to be remarkably freeing the last six months. I hope that it also unshackles you and allows to continue to evolve into the badass warrior woman I see inside of you. Let that fierce light shine! It is up to the rest of the world to put on their sunglasses if you are too radiant and beautiful for them.

    1. I am beaming with an enormous smile. Thank you so much for your words and for understanding the emotions tied into the piece. More importantly for your lack of judgement. It’s so refreshing😄😄

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