“Virtue is relative to the actions and ages of each of us in all that we do.” – Plato
So , today I wanted to touch base with a concept that has been the defining catalyst to many choices I have been making lately. At times it can be of great pleasure but in others; i’m left cleaning up a mess or feeling overwhelmed with too much to do. I have this habit I guess; to help others even when I know they will not help themselves… I see that they are who they are and set in their ways but when they need me… there I go … helping them despite my better judgment.
What drives us to push forward everyday? It is 10PM and I am just starting to take a moment for myself. As normal as this concept is… it’s really a joke. I will be cleaning up the house in a few minutes… tending to the animals… checking in on my in-laws and now my mother… making sure they took their meds… will probably hit the shower again around 11:45ish and won’t officially lay down until around 12:30ish…followed by me staring up at the ceiling wishing for sleep to settle… I guess that is why I relish the days that I can escape from the world a bit.
Turning off my phone… dropping out of pocket… there are times when solitude is my peace. I know many would argue that it is not rational for a person to want to be left alone all the time but when the hell did it become rational to run ourselves dry… staying on that hamster wheel? When I was a kid; I remember the elders siting at the table drinking coffee with the front door open. I used to lay out on the porch with a pillow and blankets and just stare up at the trees… it was nice. Peacefully still as I listened to the trees speak . Even now I can remember having such an imagination. Dreaming of having a life just as sweet.
These days; I see myself slipping back into the old routine. Hustle and bustle all day, everyday. The more it happens; the more I retreat back into my perfect pit of isolation. Laughing to myself; I just pictured myself as a crazy old lady! Just like that movie Grumpy Old Men… The truth is…Even though I see this habit resurfacing; I can’t stop it. I don’t get back to the people who call or message me. I don’t call or message those that I do genuinely want to speak to.
Its almost as if the very notion to pressing the buttons is too daunting. Like my arms are so heavy with responsibility that It’s getting difficult to see the optimistic inspiration around me… rationally my mind speaks to me of what to do but I just can’t seem to do it these days… I guess i’m just tired… you know I read a quote the other day in reference to creating a life worth being in versus always planning that vacation… Please if you have the secret remedy ; i’d love to know. Sure, I know some of you will email and tell me to learn to say “no” but what I can say is that, it is soo much easier said than done. Who will tend to my mother who just had stroke… who will listen to my in-laws concerns when their kids are too busy to do so.. maybe it boils down to the fact that I know all to well that feeling of loneliness… questioning your very existence … accepting heartache and frustration just to know your alive…
When I see them; I see people of struggle. They lived a colorful life and now they need to feel that unconditional grace. Can I say that it’s not difficult when all the negative memories come flooding back; no, but what I can say is, that I hope when I can no longer tend to myself because of early Alzheimer’s disease or when the simple task of walking needs assistance; I hope someone has compassion for me. Even if they now my darkest of flaws; that they choose to forgive me for my iniquities and help me should I need it. So, despite my frustrated rants… I will welcome the busy day again and hope what effort I put in brightens their world a bit. Hope the laughs we share are enough to bring them peace in the wee hours of the night… that they feel the love and appreciation I have for them despite any failures they may have had… To find comfort in knowing that I will always be here even when their pride doesn’t allow them to ask…