Shades of Depression: My Journey #1

 

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White Rose by JennM 2017

 

 

Today, I woke with the intense feeling of needing to touch base on a subject many try to avoid. The subject of choice, depression. In this day in age; where there is an abundance of tools and resources available at the tip of our fingers; it is not likely that many would openly admit they have fallen into some sort of entanglement of depression.

We are a driven species constantly evolving with time and experience; yet, there are moments when doubt seems to creep it’s way in;  leading us to second guess our decisions or in many severe cases; remain stagnant. Speaking from my own experience; depression has a way to impact not only our perspective towards life but also has the tendency to impact us on a more physical level.

Stress, in general, can cause headaches, night sweats, aches and pains throughout the body. This is due to our body stiffing up from tense situations. I have had moments when my stress levels would get so high to the point that I literally felt the burn deep within my chest. So, how do I deal with stress? Well, I wish I had a clear-cut answer for you, but to be honest; there are days when the many distractions prove to be just a distraction and the issue or problem grows in significance.  Days of insomnia begin to trickle in and hours become minutes with time lost.

Since I was a child; I have dealt with several levels of depression. All of which never really had the guidance of a professional.  I buried myself in books, admired art, explored the land through hikes. I never realized it until recently that I was escaping from the life around me. Becoming a true introvert. Learning new things purposely chosen to be completed alone. Is that always the smartest technique? Well, no and yes. Yes as these new projects or skills helped me trudge through some of the lowest parts of my life. To the world around me; I am strong, independent, intelligent, optimistic and in many cases, self-motivated. What many don’t see is the struggle it is to get out of bed. Or the days when I every second seems to sting liked burning needles are traveling through my body. When weepy tears seem to fall with even the slightest invitation of a moment of silence.

You see, no matter how many projects I start; there is always an end. When the dust settles; the conflict of my issues still remain. People say to forgive those that have inflicted pain or heartache but what they don’t tell you is that it is extremely harder to do than said. Sometimes, the level of forgiveness changes just to get through the day. I know I have days when It seems like I need to forgive every minute of the day. Brimming tears are always hidden behind a smile and laughter mask the bellows of anger… pain. I’ve reached a level of self-reflection to understand the importance of filling in the void with something meaningful. The importance of trust and honesty.

The older I  get, the more I want to break out of my shell and allow others into my world but I am more worried about my world getting tainted. Does that make sense? I’ve gladly been alone for so long but now the superficial layers of smiles and giggles no longer warm the heart. I guess what I’m getting at is… I want … no, I need to have a genuine connection. But, I ask myself, “Is my joy of solitude and isolation worth the risk of opening the door for another just to feel connected? Is the image of that picture-perfect gathering real or just a facade of what society deems as a must have to be complete?”

 

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