The eyes of the soul of the multitudes are unable to endure the vision of the divine. ~Plato
Where to begin… I thank the countless of messages sent to my site and my email & I assure you that I do have so much to say…those who know me best; know I’d rather sit in silence than to inflict my own negativity to those around me. So, the past couple of weeks; I chose to take that seat at the back of the room with little to no light. Trying not to ruffle any feathers or bring unwanted attention.
The truth is that; there are times in our lives that we just have to accept things for what they are. In that same token; it the same rule of thumb applies to people. The less I expect from people; the less likely I’d be let down. So, with this in mind; taking the bitter with the sweet does give life more substance.
I know, I like to discuss things which bring positive vibes…sharing those smiles… but in reality; there is a side of me that is ….detached, so to speak. The routine of life takes effect and I’ve mastered the routine with a smile. Internally, it can be the simplest thing to remind me how fragile a smile truly is. Is is genuine? Is it meant with sincerity?
These are the questions that I ask myself these days. It’s a shame when you have to question the motives of those around you … but, what do we do? Sure we can shun them out…make them take a step away…close the door… but, what does that bring??
It will be the next wave of individuals who will undoubtedly let you down. So, what do we do about this cycle? Well, speaking for myself; I just refuse to allow anyone too close…Naturally, I don’t mean to be this way and I don’t want to …but it’s safer. Losing a friend of 8 years is tough. It felt like a separation from a spouse.
People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die.
However, closing that chapter was greatly needed. You can’t help someone who does not want to help themselves. True friends will understand the word “no” and should make an effort to understand that is always given with sincerity. As grown individuals, we should be trying to help each other grow to be the best us.
So, after a long drawn out self-reflecting process; I’ve decided to only have those that bring the best of me out as friends.. the rest can fall into acquaintances mode…and in some cases; leap off that ledge of goodbye!
So… to all my lovely readers; I will begin to post daily again… maybe several times a day… I just need to find my muse… my inspiration again….And I assure you; I will catch up and read your blogs soon!! I’m excited about that part! I can’t help but feel like a kid in a cookie jar! 🙂
Wow, what a day. Just as I think the day was set in stone to be another hectic day; I get relief with the stillness of my lens and my besties… My Yorkie Edward and my mother’s Jasmine aka Jazzy. Today, we had some cancellations which were a huge blessing. This week’s schedule was very hectic although I did manage to hit the trails a couple of times.
As rocky of a relationship my mother and I have; I do enjoy spending time with her these days. I would like to think it is because I’m not that mean of a person to hold on to grudges but in reality; it’s the human compassion I naturally tap into when I see or hear of someone going through struggling times. I mentioned in my last post that this can be such a blessing or it can by my kryptonite. Over obligating myself dry… Well, there is truth in that but today; I realized it’s a balance of sort that I personally need to have.
You see, as much as I like the notion of having a day with literally nothing to do… I don’t think I’m genetically prone to enjoy it. It’s my nature to have a backup plan for my backup plan …With this being said, I have to plan everything. There needs to be a reason or order to whatever I’m doing…
Which brings me back to my question, “When does planning become too much?” I jokingly laugh to myself as I type tonite because of so many concepts raceing through my mind right now. The balance of planning and going with the flow has been a difficult thing for me to master these days. I want to say it started once I decided to work from home. It’s funny because of a few months back I was very frustrated with the reality of my limited mobility and now… I fell in love with the freedom to pick my own day. The issue I have bumped into is how it allows time for more distractions to take hold…
“Embracing the sun,
Kissing the wind,
Peals of laughter unfold inspirations from deep within”
So, after careful thought and consideration; I have decided to use the word “no” more this upcoming week. With the wonderful prospects for new employment opportunities filling me with anticipation; I will not over book myself. I just wrapped up 3 clients today and I have decided to take a break from contacting the new recommendations. I grin at this notion because; this is the hardest for me. You see, helping others create their bios; or map out their strategic marketing plan or even getting lost in the financials of a local mom and pop business as an effort to help them stay in the green and recoup any losses they have incurred or preventing potential issues; has been solidified as a daily habit.
My day is filled with emails, text, calls all day. When I’m not busy physically doing something; I’m outlining a proposal or catching up on emails etc. So aside, from the scheduled appointments, I already have; I will not be scheduling anything else. The goal is not to eliminate all activity from my day. It’s more of an effort to slow it down enough to find a solution… a balance to work and life. Make an effort for more laughs and more moments of resounding relaxation! Oh, I just pictured a hammock gently rocking in the wind as it dances to distant waves rolling onto the shore… looking around at the walls in my room right now… Yes, relaxation is the key for this next week! I’m not sure what the outcome will be but I do hope that it allows less insomnia filled nights or reducing the constant ticking of to-do lists rolling in my head on a continuous loop… Wish me luck!
“Virtue is relative to the actions and ages of each of us in all that we do.” – Plato
So , today I wanted to touch base with a concept that has been the defining catalyst to many choices I have been making lately. At times it can be of great pleasure but in others; i’m left cleaning up a mess or feeling overwhelmed with too much to do. I have this habit I guess; to help others even when I know they will not help themselves… I see that they are who they are and set in their ways but when they need me… there I go … helping them despite my better judgment.
What drives us to push forward everyday? It is 10PM and I am just starting to take a moment for myself. As normal as this concept is… it’s really a joke. I will be cleaning up the house in a few minutes… tending to the animals… checking in on my in-laws and now my mother… making sure they took their meds… will probably hit the shower again around 11:45ish and won’t officially lay down until around 12:30ish…followed by me staring up at the ceiling wishing for sleep to settle… I guess that is why I relish the days that I can escape from the world a bit.
Turning off my phone… dropping out of pocket… there are times when solitude is my peace. I know many would argue that it is not rational for a person to want to be left alone all the time but when the hell did it become rational to run ourselves dry… staying on that hamster wheel? When I was a kid; I remember the elders siting at the table drinking coffee with the front door open. I used to lay out on the porch with a pillow and blankets and just stare up at the trees… it was nice. Peacefully still as I listened to the trees speak . Even now I can remember having such an imagination. Dreaming of having a life just as sweet.
These days; I see myself slipping back into the old routine. Hustle and bustle all day, everyday. The more it happens; the more I retreat back into my perfect pit of isolation. Laughing to myself; I just pictured myself as a crazy old lady! Just like that movie Grumpy Old Men… The truth is…Even though I see this habit resurfacing; I can’t stop it. I don’t get back to the people who call or message me. I don’t call or message those that I do genuinely want to speak to.
Its almost as if the very notion to pressing the buttons is too daunting. Like my arms are so heavy with responsibility that It’s getting difficult to see the optimistic inspiration around me… rationally my mind speaks to me of what to do but I just can’t seem to do it these days… I guess i’m just tired… you know I read a quote the other day in reference to creating a life worth being in versus always planning that vacation… Please if you have the secret remedy ; i’d love to know. Sure, I know some of you will email and tell me to learn to say “no” but what I can say is that, it is soo much easier said than done. Who will tend to my mother who just had stroke… who will listen to my in-laws concerns when their kids are too busy to do so.. maybe it boils down to the fact that I know all to well that feeling of loneliness… questioning your very existence … accepting heartache and frustration just to know your alive…
When I see them; I see people of struggle. They lived a colorful life and now they need to feel that unconditional grace. Can I say that it’s not difficult when all the negative memories come flooding back; no, but what I can say is, that I hope when I can no longer tend to myself because of early Alzheimer’s disease or when the simple task of walking needs assistance; I hope someone has compassion for me. Even if they now my darkest of flaws; that they choose to forgive me for my iniquities and help me should I need it. So, despite my frustrated rants… I will welcome the busy day again and hope what effort I put in brightens their world a bit. Hope the laughs we share are enough to bring them peace in the wee hours of the night… that they feel the love and appreciation I have for them despite any failures they may have had… To find comfort in knowing that I will always be here even when their pride doesn’t allow them to ask…
“No one is useless in this world who lighten the burdens of another ” – Charles Dickens
As I sit watching the water ripple from the wind’s caress; enjoying the overcast of clouds shifting from on coming drizzles; my mind escapes me to so many realms of appreciation. The past few weeks have been crazy busy. Often so busy, that I’m sad to say, I have not been able to read many of favorite bloggers… Sometimes I question if a vacation is truly a vacation; especially when the workload increases once we enter reality again.
On a positive note; I had a great time in Chicago…My one true center! I know it gets a bad rap and I’m not about to question the reality of those horrible statistics; But, what I can say is that you should never judge a book by its cover… The city has so much to offer with a mix of cultures. I personally have enjoyed the city’s artistic culture many of times and I do feel the element that entices me to seek out artistic creativity is derived from those very influences. In addition to the beautiful architecture to many historic buildings; sometimes you can find a hidden gem residing in the many different villages or neighborhoods.
Maybe it’s the freedom of unrestricted, unbiased optimism I base my journeys on but I never read too much into another’s opinion. I take it into consideration, however, I believe for the most part; life experiences should be uniquely personal to each of us. With this in mind; I always step out with the clarity of unrefined openness for the day. In doing so, I have established great friendships! Learning their cultures has been amazing. I must admit; there are times when the language barrier has been rather difficult but the effort to communicate is always there. Eagerness to learn something new has been my focal point this year and I’m pretty happy with where it’s going so far this year.
“True friendship can exist only between two equals.” – Plato
Which brings to one of those happiest of moments. Rekindling old friendships with simple hellos has been beyond words. Don’t you just love it when you can pick up right where you left off?? As, if time itself holds no bearing to the depths of your connection. Laughing with new admiration; adoring the essence of their genuinity. Learning so much about each other in a matter of minutes. After moments of chatter; the realization of the importance to making the effort of staying in touch is overwhelming. Many of times; life has a way of providing so many distractions.
Some will be of importance which requires your full attention, but many will be filled with mindless gestures consuming most of our time. Technology has changed allowing for communication to flow easily. In this day in age; a person can send a message in a matter of seconds… With so many versions of social media sites; there’s really no excuses to not seek each other out. You’re bound to come across that person or a mutual friend to making it easier to connect. If Plato had any truth to his quote below… then don’t waste this day… get out and enjoy life! Take a moment to disconnect… turn off your notifications and be in that moment… a selfie great but what does it hold if merely to update your status…
“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” – Plato
After carefully rummaging through a series of poems or topics I normally don’t share too much detail over; I came across a poem I’d written about child abuse. Unfortunately, this topic rings of truthful familiarities of a society driven by the selfish entitlements of self-gratification. Sharing the harshness of this troubling topic is well worth the possibility of inspiring another to bask in the comforting notion found within the tranquility of hope.
Child abuse is a topic built with many complex layers to which many people often gawk through glass windows with eyes filled with the combination of bewilderment, sympathetic remorse, anguish afflictions and curiosity. Enduring multitudes of psychological studies, theological assumptions, medicated sedation, and self -destructive behaviors; I can speak first hand of the countless moments of diminishing self-worths as well of the rebirth of self-preservation. Utilizing various techniques, accepting failed attempts, and embracing modification as a step towards understanding the dynamics of one’s self; an individual is capable of overcoming traumatic experiences of many levels.
“When the fool commits evil deeds, he does not realize (their evil nature). The witless man is tormented by his own deeds, like one burnt by fire.” Dhammapada ch 10 #136
Statistics are that of numbers; hollowly filled with observances by the most educated minds of those trying to rationalize behaviors which can never fully be understood. Humans are that of organic substance; locked in the evolutionary genius as we are capable of harnessing the internal survival instincts of renewing adaption. It’s the emotional restriction that inhibits our simple minds to fully grasp the awe empowering ability of our bodies rejuvenation of our mind and physical well being. Lying deep within our genetic code is a blueprint of our very own internal healing attributes. I must point out; every victim’s story is uniquely shaped of details only best understood by them; just as every abuser’s temptation is uniquely fueled by their own internal desires. Physical and mental abuse has a way to detach it’s victims from all rationale as it creates the wedge of separation between strength and perseverance. Detachment from a person’s internal hidden strength can often lead an individual astray as they wander aimlessly trying to make sense of this life.
Falling deep within depression’s chambers of guilt, remorse, anger…blame; it becomes easy to victimize ourselves by continuing to inflict pain to the physical and mental self. Without the educated guidance of experienced professionals or the genuine support from those around; the journey to healing can be encumbersome to the vivacity of life.
“Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.” Luke 17:1-2 NIV
Speaking of personal triumphs; I can say Solitude’s mask is that of a veneer; carefully depicting what our unconsciousness wants to reflect. Unfortunately, triggers of many attributes can entice old wounds to bleed into our daily lives. Eroding the relationship with ourselves and others. The harsh reality is found within the many layers an individual has built to distance themselves from the traumatic event. I have found, the barely visible fractures leave this type of foundation brittle. I now fall into the group of those needing to speak, write … express the past in order to relinquish the ball of chain keeping us shackled to the residual effects of those abusive moments.
Ownership of the road which has led us to who we are today is the only true victory in appreciating our life today. Whether you like to remain an introvert or have adopted a life of socialism; life is what we choose it to be… I choose to be grounded with optimistic beliefs. I choose to view those abusive struggles as new levels of internal strengths as they fuel the ability to achieve the unachievable; love the unlovable; filling my heart with the purest form of clarity to compassion and unrestricted acceptance of another.
Please note; this is just my personal observations of my experience towards different levels of child abuse; as I mentioned; each story is written of its own truths.However, one constant remains the same from different perspectives … seeking help needs to be a constant for a victim of abuse … patients and understanding towards someone of abuse needs to tap into the compassion of all… most importantly, a call to action needs to be earnestly carried out when in the presence of any form of abuse… we just may be the defining catalyst to a life of peaceful hope or the final nail sealing the coffin to a soulful death as the victim remains trapped in the melancholy world of traumatized injustices.
I can hear his breath,
Coming down the hall,
Oh, that sound which haunts me still… his distinct scrape of his dragging right boot,
Bringing chills to my bones…
Holding my blanket tightly across my head,
Praying begging the Lord for him to lose interest,
Digging nails bring crimson streaks to my palms,
My achy fingers become numb as the hall light peaks in…
No need to cry,
No need to yell,
No need to fight,
Her drug induced silence is the chilling reminder … I’m alone…
Alone in this repetitive hell,
Sequels upon sequels to a trilogy of debilitating torments,
Chained to the vicious cycle of his demonic…animalistic appeasement,
“Monster” holds no bearing to the dreamless terrors stuck in the residual loop of malicious acts lurking in the dark…
Gritting my teeth,
Balling my fist,
His suffocating stench of whiskey smothers my face to my pillow,
I count … I recite poetic words… I scream in my head to the Lord to bring peace…
Grasping for freedom,
Fighting against the pain… my mind races to escape reality,
As if the Lord’s angels hears my pleas…I begin to feel the icy chill against my feet,
Enjoying the melodic crunching sound as the ice breaks with each step…
Through the stillness of the night,
A flicker of light becomes my only guide,
Grazing my hands against glassy walls,
Admiring the multitude of reflections as light dances…tracing each frozen sheet…
I come to a halt … A chilling draft caresses my cheek,
Looking deep below… I see the perfected pit,
Warmed by the flicker of a flame,
Stepping off the ledge, my breath fades as I welcome Freedom’s embrace…
Induced with Solitude’s comfort,
Strengthened by Isolation’s whispers,
My heart floods of worlds found in the pages of my books,
My soul finds its own peace as the body eagerly awaits his tormenting release…
Coldly transfixed to my secret place,
His drunken grasp begins to break,
Annoyed with my detachment… he climbs away…
His hands wrap around my childish neck,
Delivering one final menacing threat,
No streams of tears … No expressions of fear,
Just an equally measured glare screaming the words, “ YOU HAVEN’T KILLED ME YET”
Fueled by Anger’s passion,
Driven by Hate’s prideful spite,
Using every fiber of brillo filled scrapes,
Lost attempts wash away horrific chasms of the night …
As I sit here with a fresh bout of insomnia, I realized I have had one of the best times here in Chicago. Staying up late , laughing, reminiscing on the best of times… It reminds me of the importance of living life to the fullest everyday. Within every interaction; there is the possibility to achieve a higher awareness of self as we learn to be mentally and emotionally present within a specific moment in time.
Laughter is truly the best remedy to a mental reset. I used to think the best reset came from the isolation of solitude but I have received a burst of energy just from being around some of the most genuine people I’ve ever had the privilege to be related to. A little rough around the edges but smooth perfection deep within their heart. Light radiates from their smile… As cliche as this sounds… there is no other way to describe how infectious their optimism is… Allowing the flow of inspiration to touch the mind with a driven hand as their encouragement reminds me to take a moment to slow down and make time for my dream. Socrates says it best… “Beware the barrenness of a busy life.”
When I was younger; I will admit that I often wondered exactly what he was referring to as through our works; we receive tangible items reflecting success. Now that I’m older; I realize exactly what he was referring to. Being under the constant restraint of schedules and unrealistic obligations list we set on ourselves, can have a negative impact in our lives if we do not attempt to find the balance of work and living life… With this in mind; I have decided to make a point to have a time slot of the day to make a point to live a little… That I can be with the presence of others or exploring new areas of interest for myself…
Being real can be a bit brutal but it is one of if the best things you can every give others but most importantly, give to yourself. Consideration can only get you so far. Especially if the other person is genuinely clueless of what they are doing… sure we don’t want to pick battles that we know are not going to change anything… but sometimes; I do get great relief letting that Sh*t out.
I mean seriously, just because I’m polite sure as hell does not mean I won’t get real with it. If I come at you correct and grown; a rational; a sane person, should respond the same. I can tolerate many things, but lies… no… I just can’t wrap my mind around it.
Being truthful should be the norm as an adult. Unfortunately, some are so wrapped in this superficial life; the lines of reality and delusion are permanently blurred….ok, maybe not permanently; I do have faith people can change at some point; I just don’t want to waste my time waiting for that day to come.
The money will come and go but your integrity is what defines your character. I for one actually do care of the impression I leave with others … most days at least… I have to be honest…today, I didn’t give a damn who was in the room… Not very proud of my delivery but things needed to be said… At the very base of all these negative words ricocheting in my head… Only two stand out… I’m done.
Done with the lies. I’m done making excuses for your behavior…Sometimes the best remedy is to stay away… why bring out the ugly in each other when the toxicity of the combination of us… just errodes who we truly are… When resentment turns to pure hate… the soul cries as the heart slowly dies…becomes cold, lifeless…indifferent. Life is too beautiful to be surrounded by such negativity. I refuse to do it anymore. Time to revamp a few things. After all, everything we complain about in our lives is fixable by only one person…ourselves.
In closing, the only thing I should say is… PLEASE BE HONEST IN EVERYTHING YOU DO AND SAY. Especially to yourself. I made the mistake in helping when I knew in my gut; it was going to be a disaster. A narcissistic person is always a narcissist despite however many tears they shed…I guess, in the end… Speaking for myself, the basic expectation of human decency can’t be depended on anymore… I mean really, are we supposed to second guess everyone’s intentions??? Prepare for some hidden agenda??? I for one hate playing games; so, you can trust; there won’t be any coming from my end…
“My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake.” Aristotle