Your friendship is fickle,
Changing with the wind,
You appear to be steady,
But your illusion is clouded with dark skies,
You smile with despair,
Covet with humility ,
You mask your intentions well as light begins to dawn,
I see you…
I know who you are,
You and your fickle ways,
You do not care for anyone other than yourself,
You selfish, selfish girl… Only you can bring terror at night,
lurking behind your rosy lips of a smile… I see you.
Why is it that for many people in the world today; it is easier to live confined to the box that keeps them comfortably warm? I don’t understand why is it too difficult to realize that by doing the same NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR over and over; you’re going to get the same negative results. Why do some always ask for change; cry about change; say, “I want change”; yet, at the same token don’t want to put in the work to change. It does not make any sense. I am very family-orientated. I was raised on them old school values that you do not go against the family. You may necessarily not approve of what the family is doing and there may be times when all you want to do is shake them to try to knock some sense into them; But ultimately, we create a united front and support each other to lift each other instead of cutting each other below the knees. To always hear someone complain about how broken their family is, yet as a leader of the family – the pillar of the family – the head seat at the dinner room table – make no amount of effort to change.
Regardless of whether or not our loved ones find success to our level of merit or not; the bottom line is, it is their success. How can we say we’re truly happy for someone yet at the same token turn around and bash them for not calling, for them not visiting, for them trying to live their lives. We should be so proud that that value of hard work and effort has been implemented within their lives. Our children grow up and they leave us. Our long-term partner is our spouse – Jesus wanted us to guide our children and ultimately let them leave. Put those wholesome values as their foundation without any malice or hatred. Some say,”Oh, we’re giving them advice; we’re giving them correction ; we’re giving them the ability to see our point of view ” – will guess what, sometimes our point of view is not the best point of view for them. We should trust that we did our best to raise our children to be the best adults possible. At some point; the growing comes from them not being afraid to explore their potential and dusting themselves off as we encourage them to pick themselves up. Life is hard. Trust me ; it does not need any help from us to make it harder.
Our lives is what we make of it and why should we limit our children to only succeed according to our level of success. It makes no sense. One thing I do not like is the fact that when people in my particular extended family have some hardships with choices they have made, it is branded on them as if that’s the only thing that makes up their character. When Jesus forgives allowing our past to truly be the past ; undoubtedly, we see the best example of his forever grace. When my brother or sister says I am sorry, I know they mean it and because I know they mean it; I will not dredge up the past. It’s so sad when I see the one person that is supposed to keep this family whole is the one person who instigates.
So sad… But one thing I do know, is that when my two girls are grown; I hope and I pray that their love and acceptance of each other remains unconditional. That they realize that their differences in opinions… the differences in life… there differences in their dreams is what makes each of them unique and precious in the eyes of the Lord and in each other. Everybody has their own level of impact that they create in the family. Their own level of glue that sticks and binds us together forever. I asked this year; to my Lord Jesus Christ; that you give us the strength to see the error of our mistakes; so, that we may strive to be more graceful…more forgiving…more loving ….more accepting…to be uncommon and say I love you versus shutting each other out…I know its cheesey but I remember explaining to my daughter when she was 6; that the “I” in “family” is between letters because the other letters support it & that’s what we do in our home; we support each other…
The best part of the new year is starting off with a blank slate. The old year has come and passed; you have endured many hardships and struggles but at the same token; have persevered and appreciated those tiny little moments that make life worth living. Many don’t know that I have been struggling for the past 2 months with a broken fibula head in my leg. This injury could not have come at the worst time period; with so many different holidays coming up, and family gatherings I was really really upset. I was also a bit upset on how my employer handle the situation. It’s not like anybody wants to be bedridden… very frustrating. One thing I did notice, is that this injury has giving me time to not only deal with internal issues that I tried to bury, but also look towards new possibilities. Optimism is something that we must all strive for. Having the ability to see the best in our situations and looking towards a better tomorrow can be a great catalyst to achieving one’s goal. This new year I plan to accomplish a lifelong dream …I’m writing a book. I also would like to pick up photography and maybe take a health fitness class such as CrossFit. I want to see how far I can go without allowing the fear to take over…. risk always seems to hold me back. I always feel that I have to think rationally and logically. I need to figure out how to have a balance of both rationality and impulsiveness. I wish everyone the best this year. May all your dreams and goals be reached beyond your expectations. We only have one life; we should make the best of every day; cherish the people that we love; be open to new possibilities; live beyond the box that makes us comfortable and we just might experience something great… maybe even a bit magical.
So, this past week has been busy. Not busy in the traditional sense ; more like busy of the mind. There were so many times I tried to sit down and post but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had so many random thoughts going through my head; moments of frustration; moments of sadness; and the disappointing realization that I should be extremely happy right now since it is the holidays. I realize that taking a moment to fully embrace change does take time. I had promised myself; my husband my kids; more importantly, Jesus that I would make a conscientious effort to be more positive and do my best to stay away from the distraction of negative behavior I’m often inflicted with. However, I realize that’s easier said than done. As old wounds get scraped; I realized; I’m not yet completely over some of the hurts I have endured over the years. Sure physical hurts are painful and some even leave lasting memories etched in skin but for me its more of the echoing words that wail through my head over and over well into the darkest hours. This week many of those moments flooded not just my memories but my dreams. The flooded my interactions with people to the point that they are not existent. I feel like I’m slipping back into my old ways and slowly crawling myself down into my cave of isolation and withdrawl. I don’t understand how people can say , “they love each other” and people can say, “we are family” or say that “you’re my best friend”; yet with the same token allow the flick of the tongue and seemless gesture of a swipe of a hand; find the ease to throw someone off to the side like they’re not important. Over the years I’ve done my fair share to hurt others as well. Most can be justified by being a reaction to an action; however , at the end of the day; rationale tells me; I had a choice to choose how to react. Therefore I’m just as guilty as the person who chose to take the first blow. There really is no finishing either because while they’re sitting at home in their bed relaxed and comfortable; I’m here frustrated. I’m here irritated with the slow boil of my rising blood pressure as I become infuriated with so much rage my chest begins to hurt. I tell myself, “this is it; stress did me in,”. I lay on my bed curled up with my knees to my chest and I contemplate…Why does her opinion matter so much? Why do I have days when I don’t give to cents and why after all these years do I expect anything different?…My mind wonders and I realize… I just want to protect what I have worked so hard to build. My loving marriage, my life inspiring children and my hilarious pets. This protection makes me react; taking my stance of defensiveness; with walls so high that I myself can’t control them. But the truth is, I’m not really mad at her. I’m mad at myself. After all these years; how can I expect anything different? Sure we hope but the truth is; a tiger does not change their stripes. Don’t shake my hand when you do not mean to; don’t smile when all you want to do is scorn; don’t say hello when all you want is to say f*#% you. I’d rather they keep their distance and I keep mine. Help each other to stop bringing the ugly out of the both of us.I would actually respect them more for their honesty… We can both find peace in the blissful ignorance of each other.
This week has caused me to do a lot of self reflecting. I’m a Scorpio by nature so therefore I tend to constantly analyze every waking detail. I need to know what led up to the event; what occurred during the event and the aftermath. How can things have been different? What can I have done to be different? This is just my nature. One thing is for sure, when the grayish hue of dawn begins to peek through my curtain as I lay listening to the sound of the rattling thumps of icy rain as it hits my window unit; I find victory through the remnants of melancholy tears; I whisper ” I survived another night.” A night of restless torment doused in tears fueled by anger. I know I’ll be okay. I will use this negative energy and transform it into a catalyst to drive me forward. Some very real decisions need to be made and the truth is; I am tired of running around in this circle. A relationship should not require some many leaps and bounds; they should not require second guessing if you can trust them. I know I have the support from my husband; and through his strength; I will remember to rest in Jesus and finally break away from all the negative aspects. I have accepted the truth that just because your family, does not mean you’re obligated to each other. Just because your family, does not mean that your meant to continuously partake in this vicious cycle. It’ll be okay…I’ve been on my own for so many years… I’ll be okay.
Today I woke up earlier than everyone in the house. As I sat by our living room window; I could not help but admire the rustling leaves as the wind blew. This is by far my favorite time of year. When leaves begin to change…when the birds begin to sing…when the slight chill is warmed by the ever peeking sun as thick wintry clouds cascade over the sky. This time of year activates my internal nomadic gene. It makes me want to travel and experience new surroundings. There’s something reminiscent about winter hibernation; as we shed the struggle of stressful times from the previous year eagerly awaiting new blossoming opportunities and bare witness to new beginnings come spring.
This holiday season I plan to create these Christmas crafts… Who am I kidding; there will be much more!
After the long,blissful day; my favorite moment was when my pets came to rub on my feet and let me know they missed me. My yorkie’s name is Edward and is the most lovable guy ever. He is so smart and pretty much follows me everywhere. I like to refer to him as Joe Pesci from the hit movie, “Home Alone”. He will bark like he’s a huge mastiff but ends up trying to make friends. He truly is sweet as pie. Then there is Jerrie. She is a rescue. She would hang around outside; so, we started to feed her. We initially named her Jerrie because we thought she was actually a boy. You can imagine the surprise when we found out she was pregnant. She had three pretty babies. She gave birth to 2 striped, 1 orange. We found homes for two but my little Max was not adopted. So, I kept him. One day, I took his picture in a Santa suite to post on Craigslist; his sad pretty eyes just moved me. Instanly, I knew I loved him. How could I give him away? I just couldn’t. He sat at the window missing his brother and sister…so sad… So, Edward became his best friend.
They are the 3 cutest friends I have ever seen. Max with his joyful, ambitious side is the glue linking Jerrie and Edward. I love to see them run all over the house all day and then cuddle together for bed. Just adorable. Showing true love and acceptance. Awesomeness!! Do you have lovable pets? Let’s share how awesome they are!